World Exclusive: The truth behind ‘Wye City’

After weeks of undercover investigations, save-wye can reveal the truth behind ‘Project Alchemy’, the £1 billion plan to transform the entire Wye district. Thanks to the leak of part of the secret files which the authorities have been desperately trying to keep from public view, we can finally, for the first time, show you concrete proof of what the area will look like if Imperial gets the go-ahead.

This exclusive report includes…

  • The first high-tech 3D simulation of the future ‘Wye City’ envisaged by the plan.
  • Photographic evidence that many of the major individuals involved are linked by membership of the same, secretive group.
  • The covert picture that captured the signing of the original secret Concordat document almost a year ago.
  • Scientifically-documented predictions of some of the drastic changes which could be on the way to the Wye area.

A print version can be found at the foot of the article.

The level crossing: how futurologists see it

This 3D visualisation, generated on super computers in Silicon Valley, represents the future look of Wye according to a leaked copy of the detailed Ernst & Young report commissioned on behalf of Imperial College. This single image is believed to have cost Imperial several million pounds and taken many months of meetings around the globe to produce. The document which accompanies it indicates that the present level crossing will cease to function as a gateway into Wye thanks to the construction of the new dual carriageway toll road — to be called Lord Sykes Boulevard — which will lead from Junction 10a into the town.
Instead, the crossing will become a tourist attraction close to what is to be known as ‘La Truite Chatouillée’, see below, in an area designed to be an ‘oasis of karmic peace and tranquillity in the bustling urban hub of new Wye’. The gates will open rarely, and then only if accompanied by a series of leisurely-paced ancient and intricate rituals, while trapped locals watch many trains whizz through on the way to Ramsgate without stopping. Not much change there then.

Men in a ‘hare, hare…’

This exclusive photo, snatched at great personal risk by an undercover save-wye photographer in London, is the ‘smoking joss stick’ which reveals what many have long suspected. A single organisation links several of the key players involved in the Wye Concordat, and that organisation is… Hare Krishna.

Seen here, chanting in Oxford Street, are, from left to right Paul Clokie, leader of Ashford Borough Council, Paul Carter, his equivalent at KCC, deputy prime minister John ‘Concrete the South’ Prescott, and Professor Sir Richard Sykes of Imperial, with Sir Sandy Bruce Lockhart, the former KCC leader, at the rear, seeming somewhat relieved at being out of it all.

Skilled Hare Krishna observers have been poring over this photograph for some weeks. They say the different roles played by followers of the cult indicate their respective ranks in the hierarchy of the organisation. Here Mr Prescott may be seen banging the drum, while Councillors Clokie and Carter, as junior, subservient partners, are grateful to be allowed merely to tinkle together miniature cymbals, ones so small no-one can hear them except themselves. Professor Sir Richard, meanwhile, has nothing to do but wave his arms in ecstatic glee, presumably waiting for the earthly rewards which are surely on his way.

The first leaked photo of the secret signing

Thanks to Freedom of Information requests by this website, we have known for some time that a secret, more detailed Concordat was signed by Ashford Borough Council, Kent County Council and Imperial College last spring. However, sources have now revealed to us that this ceremony was in fact recorded by a photographer. As well as Messrs Sykes, Carter and Clokie, it apparently involved four other parties too. We are still uncertain of their identities.

The changing face of the village ‘Fly’

Such is the devotion of the Concordat’s proponents to the Hare Krishna movement, they intend to bring the religion firmly into the heart of the transformed town. The New Flying Horse is to have its name changed to the New Chanting Horse, and a multi-storey ashram will be built at the rear. Due to climate change, visitors will now arrive by boat. Imperial is to achieve all this through a hostile takeover bid for Shepherd Neame — to be renamed Sherpa Nimh — some time in 2009, after which the price of Spitfire is expected to rise incrementally to reach an optimal level of 49 euros a pint by 2017.

A haven of peace, and not a duck in sight

With the expansion of the Stour, due to the development’s dire effects on the local water table, the pub currently known as the Tickled Trout will be acquired by the college and renamed ‘La Truite Chatouillée’. It will become an exclusive island wining and dining area where rich business people may count their money in peace and seclusion away from the hoi polloi. All ducks will be shot to prevent bird flu, as will any ordinary citizens who sail their dinghies (from the new Kennington marina) too close for comfort.

No more parking problems on the village green

The rising level of the Stour is also expected to bring about substantial changes to the new city’s farmers’ market. Since very little agricultural land will be left after Imperial has built its ‘small university town’, the ‘grown in the Wye area’ stipulation will be relaxed to allow stallholders from a wider region to compete with the expanded Tesco Crooksfoot store which will run from its present day position all the way down to the sea at Sandgate.

A stylish form of modern transport

Among the many benefits to local residents will be the introduction of the ‘Wye Duck’, an advanced, high-tech, all-weather, ultra-reliable amphibious form of public transport. Its all-terrain capabilities will, Ernst & Young predict, be invaluable in the future when the climate of the Wye area alters radically under the twin effects of global warming and excess production of hot air generated by the Wye Concordat itself.

Among the new species expected to prosper in these changed times is the obscure and vaguely sinister Brooks Wilson Vulture (Avarishus Avarishus) which can be seen on the lamp post here. This bird, which survives on nothing but carrion scavenged from any source it can find, has already been spotted in the Wye area on several occasions. Keen observers of alien breeds remain on sharp lookout for its return, since it is thought to be a threat to indigenous species, in particular the endangered ‘East Kent Farmer’ (Iratus Bucolicus) which has lived largely undisturbed, and genetically unaltered, in this habitat for centuries.

We hope to bring you more on these stories later.

Print version (2.8mb download)

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About David Hewson

Professional novelist, published in more than 20 languages. Creator of the Nic Costa series set in modern Rome. Most recent book the novel of the Danish TV series, The Killing.
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2 Responses to World Exclusive: The truth behind ‘Wye City’

  1. M.McLeod says:

    Brilliant,simply brilliant.

    (if Brooks Wilson is the species of vulture, what type of crocodile is it?)

  2. Kerry Bethel says:

    Tremendously good fun and very cleverly put together.Jacko looks quite normal in this company.

Comments are closed.